Hi guys!
First of all I have to send my apologies for not writing lately. This blog is supposed to be written in a fun, light hearted manner and with what I went through I just couldnt bring myself to write. But I'm okay and I'm back on board now.
Just a heads up, this post isnt going to be like some of my previous ones. Its not going to be so 'light and fluffy' but what happened is part of my TTC journey so I need to write about it.
After obsessing over TTC for just 2 months I took a FR HPT 5 days before AF was due in February 2012. I thought there wasnt anything there and just as I was about to throw away the test I looked one more time and there it was - my BFP! (I've always tested positive quite early) It was faint but definitely there. I was nervous and excited all at once. I went home and told my hubby and he didnt believe me even when I showed him the test! Lol. The next morning I went and had a blood test knowing that they would confirm. But the test came back inconclusive with only a HCG level of 8....hmm...So I tested for 2 days after that watching that BFP get darker and then had another blood test 2 days later. HCG levels were up to 29. I was elated! The doc said they were still quite low levels even though they classify you as pregnant at 25. I told my hubby (who thought he was awesome that he got that egg on the second try) and then he said that seeing as though it was confirmed we could tell our kids. So I did. And then I told my mum and my hubby's mum. But while I was telling them something didnt feel right. Why was my HCG levels so low when my previous pg's had been high right from the beginning? So I POAS like a crazy lady. Every day (and sometimes twice a day) for a week. They werent getting darker. I kept pushing aside the thoughts that something just felt wrong. I had cramps - major AF type cramps and lower back pain. I kept telling myself that it was my uterus stretching. But in my heart I knew what was happening. Then on the night of 4th March I noticed there was pink blood in my cm. I kept it to myself as I just wished it would go away and thought that some women spot during early pg, i'll be fine! The next morning I wasnt spotting anymore but the cramps were increasing and I took another HPT (my 16th one!) and there is was....nothing....no faint second line...nothing....I went to the doctors and they did a blood test to check my HCG levels but I knew it was no use. By the time I got home I started clotting and knew exactly what was happening. I was having a miscarriage. I broke down in tears and my poor DH didnt know what to do or how to comfort me. My doctor phoned me to confirm the news - my HCG levels had dropped to 4.
I layed on the lounge for 3 days in pain. Both physically and mentally. Why was this happening to me after 2 healthy pregnancies? What did I do wrong? Why wasnt there anything I could do to stop it from happening? I felt broken. Like someone had reached into my heart and tore it out. I had never been through something like this before.
It took me a week but then I accepted what happened. It wasnt my fault, I couldnt of done anything to stop it. Even if I had listened to my instincts telling me something wasnt right, there wasnt anything I could do to change the outcome.
Two weeks after the m/c I went for a scan to check everything was back to normal. I was fine mentally so I just wanted them to tell me I was all good so I could start TTC again! When the technician asked me if I was okay I gave her a strange look like 'why wouldnt I be okay? It happened a while ago now so i'm fine'. But I wasnt fine. As she looked at the screen she held my hand, looked at me and said 'it's all gone sweetie. There's nothing there'.....Nothing.....I started crying again as I realised that I was holding onto some stupid tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe there would be something there. But this was my realisation that it was over. I had lost my baby at 6 weeks.
Even though it was only 6 weeks it was still horrible to go through. The emotional roller coaster of getting that BFP to hearing the words 'Nothing' was excruciating.
So, fast forward 2 months later and I'm doing fine! When it happened people said to me 'everything happens for a reason' and even I told myself this but truth be told I dont believe that. I dont believe in fate or destiny or that things are 'meant to be'. I like the idea of these things but the reality of it is (in my opinion) that we make our own destiny. In life we are presented with opportunities and chances and it is up to us which paths we choose and how our lives end up. I dont believe that I was 'meant to' lose my baby. I think that something went wrong and my body did what it needed to do. What I do believe is that when I do fall pregnant and have that baby it will be such a special baby to us because if this pg had stuck then we would never have known the baby that we WILL eventually have.
Thanks for reading :)
Mandi O Xx
